The Sex Police

It was going to be Nathan’s first time sleeping at a friend’s house. Robard wasn’t a particularly good friend, but that wasn’t important. Nathan was going to prove that he didn’t need his parents nearby to survive. He was nine years old, which is when a kid starts to become less cute and has to add new value.

Nathan felt that he was becoming a burden. Not only did his mom have to drive him around, but she had to make sure he was well-fed. His dad had to make enough money to buy him new clothes as he grew out of his old ones that would be too soiled to sell. If they knew Nathan could take care of himself, he would feel less guilt and they would feel less resentment. At least that’s what he thought. Nathan’s parents didn’t see parenthood as a burden. They loved taking care of their son.

But, objectively, a child is a burden.

Nathan knew he could sleep through a sleepover just like a marathon runner knows he can run a 5k. All he had to do was show up at the right time and leave at the right time.

Robard was the kind of friend you couldn’t trust, but he was funny. That’s all that really matters to the kids with comfortable home lives, at least the ones that Nathan knows. They just don’t understand how hard loyalty is to come by. Humor is always important, but without trust, a pointed joke can foster paranoia. It will leave you wondering, “Am I the next target?” as you try to take stock of the secrets you mistakenly told your funny friend.

When Nathan’s parents dropped him off, it hurt more than he felt it should. He had never said goodbye to them. It was normally just goodnight.

This was the first time he noticed the impact of a farewell. All it took was one experience and goodbye felt like a brand new word. Before mobile phones were invented, a human never asked another human, “where are you?” unless they were separated in a large maze. Back then, we had to know where someone was to reach them. It is the same with the word goodbye. No one knows what it means until they say it to someone important.

It was a chilly Saturday night, which was a shame because the walls at Robard’s house were quite thin. Nathan was used to the type of great insulation that goes unnoticed. Robard’s house wasn’t like that. It was big and old enough to have a water well in the back, a few gas-powered lamps, and worn buttons on the walls that did nothing when you pressed them. The wooden floors creaked with every step so that you could always pinpoint the location of the house’s occupants. It would be a great place for a blind man to live. Robard’s dad wore hiking boots, so his footsteps were like chasmic crunches. Robard’s mom was barefoot, and when she puttered about she made what can best be described as something sticky against the floor.

All Robard wanted to do was to play video games. Nathan didn’t feel the same way. He wasn’t good at pressing buttons. He would probably like it more if he practiced, but he hated practicing. And that’s what video games seemed like to Nathan, something you practice forever but never actually play.

“Can we do something else?” He didn’t want to sound obnoxious, but his phrasing betrayed his desire to be diplomatic.

“What do you wanna do?”

“We could play a board game or do legos. I don’t know.”

“Eh. Those take more time to clean up.” Robard put the controller back in Nathan’s hand and they played video games for the rest of the night.

When they were ready for bed, Nathan judged Robard for not brushing his teeth. He also judged Robard’s parents for not forcing their son to brush his teeth, but he was not a shrewd boy, not at all. After he got over that initial feeling, he realized that he wanted his teeth to be whiter than those of his peers. It all worked out in his favor.

Robard fell asleep when his head hit the pillow, leaving Nathan behind. There is nothing louder than the silence of a foreign place, especially when you’re young. Nathan had no chance of falling asleep.

And so he waited. He could try to dream, but the risk of having a nightmare was too high. He decided to be patient. He didn’t have to actually do sleep at a sleepover. All he had to do was survive.

From somewhere beyond, he heard a noise. A soft scream. Not in pain or alarm, but he didn’t know what it was. The only screams he had ever heard were bad. Sure, he had heard cheers similar to screams, but cheers had their own timbre. This was something in between.

He tried to ignore it. Maybe it was all in his head. But he heard it again and knew his brain wasn’t cruel enough to mess with him twice. His heart sank. Maybe they don’t lock the doors in this house. Maybe I won’t survive.

He decided to run. He put on his clothes, tied his shoes, and got ready to go. He didn’t wake Robard because he didn’t like Robard.

As Nathan stepped forward, the floor creaked under his feet. So he took off his shoes and decided he would slide in his socks to be more covert as he made his way out of the house. But sneaking away didn’t feel right.

Nathan always wanted to be a hero. All of his idols were heroes, and what he was about to do was going to make him a coward. The screams continued, now accompanied by inconsistent thumping. In a moment of selflessness, Nathan changed his mind. He was going to be a hero, or at least try.

He kept his shoes in his hand just in case he had to make a run for it, and he headed toward the sounds, which were coming from the kitchen where Robard’s mom had cooked mashed potatoes and a lasagna that Robard didn’t like very much. Nathan had to pretend it was alright, but he didn’t really have an opinion.

His sliding technique was working as he moved down the hallway. The floor still groaned under his weight, but it was quiet enough to be mistaken for the wind.

The light shone from under the kitchen door. He could see shadows moving about. The screaming was now coming in waves, gradually increasing in pitch, then subsiding. He could swear he had heard it before, maybe in his dreams. Almost every night. It was like an alarm that didn’t wake him up.

He was at the kitchen door now. He quietly slipped his shoes on in case he had to run. He felt good, brave, proud. He had made it this far despite the uncertainty that lay beyond.

Then he opened the door. He expected it to be heavier than it actually was, so it swung open much faster than he intended.

Robard’s mom was naked, bent over a kitchen island as Robard’s dad banged his body against hers from behind. Nathan made eye contact with both of them at the same time.

“Hi,” he wasn’t prepared for such violence, “What are you doing?” He didn’t know what else to say.

The adults froze, briefly disgusted with themselves. Nathan said, “What are you doing to her?”

Then Robard’s dad gave Nathan a look, a new look, like one he would give an adult. Then he said, “Who the fuck are you? The sex police?”

Nathan was less focused on the question than he was on the look. It was a big moment for him. He had only ever been treated like a kid. It felt good.

He smiled, “Yes. I am.” Then he turned around, closed the door, and left Robard’s parents stunned.

He went back to Robard’s room, took off his pants, and went to bed. He slept quite well.

In the morning, Robard’s parents rushed Nathan out of the house. He didn’t understand why, but he was happy to get home. It felt different though. His toys no longer felt like his own. Neither did his spiderman underwear nor his musical toothbrush. He wanted regular underwear and a toothbrush that didn’t play the Star Wars theme.

“Why?” Nathan’s parents didn’t understand. They probably forgot what it was like to grow up overnight. Or maybe it happened to them slowly, through years of hard work and wisdom-gathering. Everyone experiences it differently.

“Because I’m the sex police.” They didn’t know what to say. They called Robard’s parents to find out what happened, but they played dumb, too embarrassed that they introduced Nathan to sex in such a violent way (even though to them it wasn’t violent at all).

The most noticeable change in Nathan’s behavior came at night. After his parents would put him to bed he would remain wide awake. After some time, he would put on his socks and slide up to his parents’ door with his shoes in one hand. He would yank the door open, flick on the lights, and say, “Freeze! It’s the sex police!”

His parents were almost always asleep, and regardless of their disapproval, Nathan would continue this ritual every night. He never actually caught them, but their paranoia grew to such an extent where they completely ceased to have sex, even when he wasn’t home. After a while, they stopped touching each other altogether. When they argued about things that every couple does, they didn’t reach the same resolutions that they used to.

Within a year, Nathan’s parents were separated. He stayed with his mom and his dad moved into a hotel for a brief period. Still, every night, he would bust down the door to his mom’s room and yell, “Freeze! This is the sex police.” This continued into his early teens.

His parents didn’t like to think about it, which made sense. It was their ending, but that was only because they loved their son too much to realize that Nathan had no idea what sex was.

The reason he would put his socks on, slide down the hallway, and bust open the door was that, after he flicked on the light and yelled, “Freeze! This is the sex police,” his parents would give him that look, the very same look Robard’s dad gave him that night in the kitchen.

In a glance, he was grown.